If something in your body is keeping you safe by keeping you playing out an old pattern, it's happening subconsciously... meaning you're not aware of it. When that happens, it doesn't matter how much talk therapy, journaling, or affirmations you've done. Because you're not consciously aware of the root you need to be focusing on, you just keep watching the same pattern show up. It's frustrating to keep asking questions like, "Why am I like this?" and "Why does this keep happening?" when nothing actually changes it. That's because nothing you’re doing is reaching the actual root. 

That was the pattern that shaped my life and my business for years.

If you read the story of my Beachbody years, you already know what it felt like to build something that looked like success and feel completely empty inside it. This post explains what was happening underneath all of that... because when I quit teaching, I didn't stop the patterns. I just subconsciously picked them up and put them down inside of my business, and I couldn't understand why all the mindset work wasn't working anymore.

Brand New Business... The Same Exact Prison

I thought leaving teaching was the answer. I told myself this was going to be it - real freedom - finally. From 2018-2020, I built a 6-figure coaching business with a business partner, and it nearly broke me completely. For a long time, I couldn't figure out why. On the outside, it looked exactly like what everyone said success was supposed to look like... I remember thinking, "This is the same prison I just escaped from... I'm still thinking about content every second of the day... I'm not present in my life at all... How is this what 'success' was supposed to feel like?"

I was a mindset coach at the time, and my business partner and I paid upwards of $16,000 for our first coaching certification. After we put that money that we didn't have on a credit card, we decided that it wasn't going to go to waste... so we grinded our asses off to make it back - and then some. I ran live launches constantly, hosted live sales calls where I'd counter every objection until someone said yes. We were running live coaching cohorts, meeting with 1:1 clients 5 days a week, and we were hosting our podcast at the time. I remember being on a call with a mentor who mentioned "evergreen" content and I legitimately asked if that meant a website... I had no sales page, no email system, nothing. We built the entire thing from zero to 6-figures in under a year through sheer hustle.

*I want to be clear that hustle is not how I build a business now. You can get to 6-figures in far less time than that when you're building from alignment instead of force. I teach that now because I lived the exact opposite of it for years.

In early 2020, right before COVID, my business partner found out she was pregnant. I remember the fear that hit me the moment she told me... like, "if she's having another kid, how is any of this going to hold? Because we were on Zoom together 8+ hours a day, creating, working, staying busy in a way that felt like proof we were worthy of something..."  A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant myself... and that same fear turned inward. From the outside it looked like we had every reason to celebrate. Inside, I knew I hadn't built the freedom I thought I had. I'd built a box, and if I ever slowed down, I was terrified it would all fall apart.

A few months later, it did exactly that.

It Was Never A Mindset Problem

Here's what I can see clearly now that I couldn't see then. I was operating from what I call the wounded masculine and the wounded feminine, and underneath both of those, a deep attachment pattern, and codependency so deeply ingrained I genuinely thought it was just who I was.

We all have both masculine and feminine energy - and it has nothing to do with gender or identity. It's a frequency, and the goal is to heal the wounded version of each so you're operating from the divine version instead, in whatever balance is actually true for you.

The wounded masculine is the doing energy gone wrong. Think: controlling, spiritually empty, power hungry, convincing, demanding, forcing an outcome into existence... It's the belief that everything has to be earned and that hard work equals worth. For me, that looked like hosting sales calls where I countered every objection until someone signed. It looked like the "100 No Challenge" some of us used to run in the MLM world, where we'd spend hours cold-messaging strangers until we racked up 100 rejections, literally tracking and celebrating the no's. It looked like following up with "did you see the link, doors close tomorrow," penetrating someone's space until they said yes. It looked like never being able to sit on the couch without guilt, and frantically jumping up to do the dishes or be productive the second my husband walked in the door because resting felt like being worthless.

The divine masculine is the same doing energy in service of truth instead of survival: direction, structure, discernment, grounded consistency, aligned action, and systems that actually hold the feminine flow instead of replacing it. It's the same actions with a completely different frequency underneath them, and your nervous system always knows the difference.

The wounded feminine on the other hand is needy, dependent, and manipulative from a different angle: over-explaining, weak boundaries, shame, people-pleasing, feeling unworthy, repressing your truth to avoid being misunderstood... and I lived this one hard. Even back in my teaching interviews, I'd make it to the final rounds at 6 or 7 schools and secretly feel relieved when they chose someone else, because some part of me didn't actually want the job I was interviewing for so hard to get.

When I did get hired at a school I genuinely loved, it was for a co-teaching role. I remember showing up to the interview with my arm in a sling as part of a lesson demo on inferencing, having the principal rush down to carry my bags up the stairs, and having to teach an entire lesson pretending I was actually hurt... and it worked. I got the job, and looking back, I could see so clearly that I put that much effort in partly because it fed my need for codependency... not just because it was a good fit. Years later, when my co-teacher's kids got sick and she texted that she couldn't come in, I'd have a full panic attack, quietly furious at her for being allowed to be sick, because my nervous system had decided that needing to do everything alone wasn't safe. It was a wild experience to finally connect these dots nearly a decade later, because I had no idea why I was reacting the way I was at the time.

On the other hand, the divine feminine is surrender, receiving, intuition, creativity, presence, and the ability to be vulnerable and trust yourself and others fully. None of that existed anywhere in my life during this entire era. I was well into my 30's before I truly connected with this side of myself, and learning to trust, receive, and soften has been the deepest work I've ever done.

Your Business Will Polarize You

Here's the part of all of this that matters the most if you're building your business right now: Your business always mirrors the energy you bring into it, and it will polarize you toward the opposite of whatever you're leading with.

When I was hosting sales calls from the wounded masculine, focusing solely on pain points and convincing people my program was the answer, I naturally magnetized clients who were showing up in their wounded feminine: wishy-washy, asking me things they could have Googled, and needing to be dragged through the process. I was exhausted by clients I'd unconsciously trained to respond this way, because that's exactly how I'd set up the relationship from the very first call. It wasn't until I shifted my own energetics that clients started showing up ready to take divine masculine action themselves, and paid calls became something closer to what they're supposed to be: me holding grounded space, them bringing the chaos, both of us actually in our own lane.

If your business feels chaotic and emotionally exhausting right now, it's rarely a bad business plan or the strategy... it's usually the energy underneath it. When that's the case, a new strategy doesn't fix the problem, because strategy was never the layer this was happening on.

The Blueprint Underneath All Of It: Attachment Style

Underneath those masculine and feminine patterns is something even earlier: your attachment style... aka: the relationship you formed with your parents and caregivers when you were an infant. Their nervous systems taught your nervous system what love, safety, and connection feel like in the body, and that became the operating system running your adult life until you make it conscious. This is why people repeat uncomfortable patterns in their lives, become addicted to chaos, and attract unreliable partners... because when they were little, they learned that love felt unreliable and chaotic, and that became their default pattern. 

Secure attachment is the goal: attached and independent at once, able to state a need directly, and able to receive without spiraling afterward.

Anxious attachment is a fight response. In business, this looks like obsessively checking your Stripe notifications, never turning your mind off, running on stress hormones, and spiraling if a launch doesn't perform well.

Avoidant attachment is flight or freeze. This looks like having a business you don't show up for consistently, refusing to look at your bank account, or pulling back the moment something starts to work.

Disorganized attachment is both, on rotation. You're hyper-focused one week, and completely checked out the next. It feels like you've always got one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake.

That last one was mine. I'd obsess over my business every waking second, then avoid it entirely... I'd clean my house instead of showing up, scroll for 3 hours and call it rest when it was really just a freeze response. I'd be anxious, then avoidant, on repeat, and it had nothing to do with discipline or strategy. It was the only blueprint my nervous system had for what safety was allowed to look like.

This is also why "just regulate your nervous system" isn't the full answer, and why that phrase has become such an overused buzzword. Regulation brings you back to baseline... it doesn't teach your system to hold more. If you stay in constant healing mode, constant resting, constant "I'm not ready yet," healing can become its own identity you never actually move out of. What actually moves you out of freeze is capacity and momentum, not more rest.

All of this ties back into the same map I keep coming back to: coherence across every plane of you, not just the logical (mindset) one. If you haven't already, The Five Planes of Transformation blog post goes deeper into what that actually looks like across the spiritual, energetic, emotional, logical, and physical layers.

Where This Actually Comes From

Whatever you learned as a kid about how to earn love is exactly what your business will recreate as an adult, because your nervous system is just recreating what's familiar.

I learned early on that love came from suppressing my emotions and from being the good girl who got good grades and didn't cause problems... so naturally I built a business where I had to earn every dollar through grinding, over-giving, over-explaining, and could never receive anything without guilt.

There's a story from my childhood that illustrates this better than anything else...

When I was around 10 years old, my great uncle once offered our family a horse. Instead of just letting me have the experience of it, my parents built a 500-point chore system I had to complete first. It took me over a year to earn enough points...  unloading the dishwasher, doing laundry, picking up sticks... nothing to do with the actual experience of owning a horse... and by the time I completed that damn chart, I'd missed out on an entire year of actually being in relationship with that horse. It was a lesson in "responsibility" that subconsciously taught me that "everything has to be earned before you're allowed to have it."

None of this is about blaming your parents or spending years excavating your childhood. It's about recognizing the pattern clearly enough that you can finally choose something different, because you can't rewire what you can't see.

If you're curious how your attachment style is showing up in your business patterns, you'll love this free guide I created. 

3 Things To Take With You

The wounded masculine and wounded feminine are frequencies most of us have been fluent in our whole lives without knowing it, and your business will polarize you into whichever one you're not currently leading with.

Your relationships - all of them, business included - are shaped by an attachment style that was set before you had any language for it, and it's still running the show today.

And you cannot think your way out of a nervous system pattern. Journaling, talk therapy, or more mindset work won't change this, because you can't talk about what you can't yet see... Real change happens when you get underneath the conscious mind entirely.

✨✨✨ Transformation happens across multiple planes of your system, unfolds in phases of leadership, and progresses through stages of healing as your nervous system learns to stabilize a new identity.

If this resonated, there are a few places to start:

• My free Attachment Styles in Business e-book goes deeper into each style and helps you identify exactly where you're at.
• My Nervous System Checklist will help you spot the patterns running underneath your business right now.
• If you want the full rewiring, Uncapped Capacity is the course built entirely around nervous system and attachment repair, the foundational shift that lets you actually hold more love, more visibility, more wealth, more of everything you're building toward.
• And if you're brand new to subconscious work and just want to dip a toe in, my Coming Home mini course is a perfect place to start.

You can explore everything here: → Work With Me → Free Resources

Trust yourself to choose what resonates. I'm glad you're here. ❤️ ✨✨✨